All right, ladies, here we go. I have been watching you all, having your little mid-life crises, and I’ve really come to the end of my rope with some of you.
YOURE DOING IT WRONG!
I know, I know, you’re saying to yourselves, who does she think she is? She can’t tell me how to have a mid-life crisis! It’s my crisis, for Pete’s sake!
WRONG.
Someone needs to save you from yourselves. I’m not saying, don’t have the crisis. It’s perfectly normal to have a mid-life, mid-day, mid-month, mid-whatever, crisis. As we trade in our diaper bags for purses, and reinvent ourselves for the next stage in life, it’s important to have some SENSE and some CLASS. What I’m saying is that there is a RIGHT and a WRONG way to approach a mid-life crisis. When you do it right, you inspire and amaze. When you do it wrong, you scare me, and probably young children.
Listen up Ladies.
1. The car.
Now, normally, men buy crazy, expensive cars to panic about old age with, and that’s fine, but we are missing a huge opportunity here to compensate. WE could have cars!
The right car:
Something shiny and wonderful! There are so many beautiful cars out there. Something to consider: I have a friend who recently treated herself to a new Harley and stunning leather jacket. Awesome!
The wrong car:
If it feels wrong, it’s wrong. When you see your car in the parking lot, you should smile, not wish you were dead.
2. The Spouse.
It’s a giant cliché that aging men trade in their spouse for a newer, boobier, model, but this is NOT OK. We are fine, here, ladies, to stick to what we’ve got.
The right spouse:
Keep the one you have. As a dear friend used to say to me about her own DH, “He didn’t 
come out of the box that way!” You have been at this a while and I bet he’ll be happy to share old age with you. Besides, do you REALLY want to start over?
“Ain’t nobody got time for that!”
The wrong spouse:
Someone else’s. Hands off, ladies. Unless yours is absolutely broken, or missing, keep the one you have!
3. The Hair.
Ladies. Seriously. Holy Crap! Cool it with the hair. You are a grown woman with self respect! Now, you know me, I’ve had a million different hair lengths, colors, and styles, but all of them were ACTUAL hair colors (except the Billy Idol hair, but that was an 
accident…) and I really was trying. Some of you, and I’m not naming names here, have forgotten that you are adult women and are thinking that you are 14, and pink hair is ok.
It is not. It is not okay.
The right hair:
Use Pinterest and Google to find flattering, fun hairstyles. You are an independent, smart beautiful woman with a credit card. Let your hair reflect the most sane part of your personality. If you have multiple personalities, let the most stylish one pick the hair.
The wrong hair:
Spikes, unusual colors only found on Skittles, stripes, and cutting/coloring your own hair are strictly forbidden. HAVE SOME SENSE! It’s a mid-life CRISIS, not a global panic.
4. The clothes.
Where do I even start? Some of you are under the extremely mistaken impression that to have personal style you must leap recklessly out of your mom jeans into leggings from Strippers R Us. Au contraire, mon frere! er….soeur….? There are many, many, options for a hip, stylish woman rocking a glamorous haircut! We do not need to wear spandex or mini-anything to be in style.
The right clothes:
The right clothes fit you and reflect your fun (but not crazy) personality. They were purchased in this decade. They flatter your figure and help you feel gorgeous and vital. They do not show any part of your body you would not want your husband ogling on someone half your age. Let me lay it out: NO cracks. NO excessive boobage. No midriffs.
Again. HAVE SOME SENSE.
The wrong clothes:
Anything too tight, too short, actually, TOO anything. In a midlife crisis situation, we are trying to set a tone for the coming years. Do you really want that tone to be: “Aging Teenager with no sense and possibly mentally unbalanced?” I didn’t think so.
And finally,
6. The jewelry.
Here’s where we know what we’re doing. All those years of wearing macaroni necklaces and homemade glued cheerios earrings are finally behind us. Time to pull out the big guns, and channel our inner Elizabeth Taylor.
The right jewelry:
Over compensating in this area is A-OK. Buy the best you can afford. Find out what your favorite gems are and get them. What’s your favorite metal? Wear it! Wear it all. Upgrade and let’s GO!
The wrong jewelry:
Plastic. Paper. Anything made by anyone under 20 without a reputation in the jewelry industry.
There you have it. You can have a fabulous mid-life crisis with the right guidelines in place. By it’s nature, I understand that a mid-life crisis, by definition, involves a certain amount of nuts, but nuts is NO excuse to be dragged into the abyss of bad taste. Keep your heads up, ladies, and panic like a goddess! You ROCK that mid-life crisis!
I just saw this and thought of your advise and wisdom, yet this advice and wisdom is reminiscent of ladies who later will wear purple and a red hat:
http://insideoutminds.squarespace.com/home/2015/2/25/open-letter-to-the-woman-shoveling-her-snow-while-smoking-a-cigarette-and-wearing-hello-kitty-pajamas-and-slippers 😉 Love you friend.
On the surface, I can see how my advice may seem contradictory in that I advise decorum AND authenticity. At the heart of every truly great personal crisis, should come a greater understanding of one’s self, and self granted freedom to express imaginatively. That being said, one still has the option (strongly recommended) to be classy. And one should be always be classy! 😉