It has come to my attention that many people have lost the ability to wear underpants correctly. Being a woman with experience wearing a variety of underpants, I will be offering some advice and direction to women here. Men, you are on your own, with only two words of advice. Wear it.
The first thing to consider is: What kind of underpants do I need?
As a girl, there are a many different types of underpants to consider, based on specific needs and personal taste.
Before choosing a style, consider the following questions:
1. Am I a child?
You may be interested in fun Disney prints, days of the week, or cupcake print underpants. You will want something that fits well and covers everything that needs to be covered when you hang upside down on the monkey bars at school. Underpants that cut off your circulation or have any kind of hole should be discarded. Tell your mother before permanent grooves are worn into your leg from underpants that are too small.
2. Am I a teenager?
You may be interested in fun prints, and more grown up designs. Remember, when making your choice, be certain that ALL of your underpants fits UNDER your clothes. They are called UNDER pants because they go UNDER your clothes. Remember that underpants are also supposed to be functional, they not a decorative fashion statement. No one but you and possibly your mother should ever see them. Use good sense when choosing yours. Replace them when they become a) too small or b) holey or stained.
3. Am I a mom?
You need something that stays where you put it. No one likes to see a grown woman struggling with a wedgie. Size is also important. Buy the SIZE YOU ARE, not the size you wish you were, to avoid that awkward 4 bum cheek look. As with teens, you should be sure that your underpants remain under your clothes. You are a self-respecting person. Do not wear underpants that have lost the will to live. Elastic should be fully functioning, holes and stains non-existent. Underpants are not that expensive, either take better care of yours or replace them.
4. Am I a hooker?
There is a lot more leeway here with underpants. I’m not sure, but they may even be optional. Ask other hookers to see what they wearing these days.
5. Am I a working professional who is not a hooker? Do I ever bend over?
A panty line is just not great. I’m not saying you have to wear a thong, but panty lines are just not cool, and several designs in women’s underthings do eliminate that problem. That being said, have a trusted friend stare at your backside when you bend over, as you might when you pick up your kids at daycare, or after you have dropped something on the floor.
Ask your friend: Are my underpants showing? Will the children in my daycare provider’s care going to ask awkward questions after I leave about the pink sparkly “T” on my bum? Is her son going to turn beet red and refuse to come out of his room?
6. Are you a Mormon?
If you are wearing the underpants worn by endowed temple attenders, many of the same rules apply. WE DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR FREAKING UNDERPANTS.
Let me perfectly clear here:
Nobody’s underpants should EVER be showing. EVER!
I will now address questions you may have about these rules.
Question #1
But what if I…
Me: NO.
Question #2
But I just bought this really cute….
Me: NO!
Question #3
Shouldn’t I be able to wear….
Me: NO, NO, NO!
Now that we’ve cleared all that up, you may proceed with your day, bum-covered, underpants-under-your-clothes, happy knowing that you are completely dressed for whatever the day may bring!
