Timothy’s Birthday

I just need to tell you a couple of things and they were too long for a facebook post, so, even though the kids are running round yelling “I am a warrior king, you can break my body, but you can never break my warrior spirit!” I am going to write this. I need to write this.

So, today is my sweet Timothy’s birthday. He is 12. When he was born, 12 years ago, I have to say, my life was pretty much perfect, or so I thought. I had 5 beautiful kids and was expecting a healthy baby boy. My husband was awesome, his job was good, my house was fabulous, and my best friend was hilarious and fun. I admit, I felt pretty smug about how good things were going.

I don’t think I have time to go into detail, but Tim’s birth heralded what I would soon come to call “the dark years.”

There were of course bright spots, but I was nearly consumed in the dark. I was lost in the dark.

I honestly never asked, Why me?

I already knew why me. Because I’m a person living on this planet and we all have our share of triumphs, failures, blessings, catastrophes, good days, and hideous years.

What I didn’t know was how I was going to come out. What if it never ended? What could I possibly learn from all of this? What if it all literally broke me?

It’s easy to look at Tim, on his 12th birthday, and mourn what he will never be on this earth. It’s easy to look at other 12 year olds and feel left out, left behind, out in left field.

It’s harder to look at Tim and say, I fully accept the person you are and your contributions. It’s harder to wipe the spit, or boogers or poop, or whatever off of him and smile, appreciating all he is, instead of bemoaning all he is not.

But I try. I try so very hard, every day.

Because, in the end, who am I to say what Timothy is or is not? I wouldn’t want anyone telling me what I am or am not. I leave that to God.

And so today, on Timothy’s 12th birthday, I want to tell you that I did learn something. I came out of the dark, I think, when I chose to see the light. And I came out better. And finally, I want to thank God for Timothy. For all he is and all he is not.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful angel and gift. It’s been the best 12 years of my life.