One More To Go

As the Holiday season picks up speed towards it’s Santa-crazed grand finale, I find myself taking a quick breather between events. I was planning to use this time to repaint my toenails, but I’ve decided to clear up a few misconceptions you may be laboring under regarding the Holidays.

1. This year I will not gain weight over the holidays. I will not slurp eggnog like a camel at a watering hole. I will not gobble cookies, pies, and Sees chocolates like a person who has never seen them before. I will eat carrots at the buffet table. I will avoid dip. I will EAT RIGHT this year, dangit!

No, you won’t.

I know you. You may reach for one carrot, ok, but only until you spot the golden tower of Ferraro Roche Chocolates.  Then, it’s goodbye carrot, hello heaven!

Give up.

Not forever, just for about 2 weeks. Eat some chocolate, snarf some cookies and give yourself a freaking break. Just for two weeks. My guess is, that’s all the longer you can live with the guilt:) Then, out come the carrots, and the fat free mayo, and the weight watchers points counters doohickys.

2. This year I will not spend so much money. I will not buy everyone I know a present just because they might buy me one. I will not spoil those kids (grandkids, greatgrandkids, nieces, nephews, daycare kids). I will not buy anything for myself. I will not buy 6 gifts for my hubby in the hopes that this is the year I finally figured out what he wants and it could be this gift right here! Or this one….or this one….

Yes you will.

I hate to depress you, but when the last of the ribbon and wrapping is gone, you are going to wonder why the heck you spent so much money. I am going to tell you why:

Because it’s CHRISTMAS, goofball.

Tis the season to replenish kid toys, and clothes, men’s ties and tools. Think of it as a sort of back to school, only with household whathaveyou’s. You are making sure the man, the kids, the co workers, and the friends think kindly of you for the next year. The retailers count on you, the stock market counts on you and the kids are counting on you. I’m not saying you have a free pass to drive yourself to bankruptcy-town, I’m saying, IT’S CHRISTMAS. And that means you are most likely going to make some kind of large financial outlay. And while you’ve got the purse strings loosened, give to charity. Give to a family in need. Give to a foodbank, a church, a homeless shelter.

3. This year I will make and keep New Year’s resolutions.

No, you won’t.

Oh, you may make them. And I believe that you believe this will be the year that you finally conquer the Big Three:

a) Money (you either want to save it, get it out of debt, budget it better, or get more of it)

b) Weight (you want to lose it, feed it better, or exercise it more)

c) Personal (break that habit, learn that skill, start school, finish school, get organized, get more spiritual, serve more, gripe less, etc)

Brace yourselves for a shock.

Are you sitting down?

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. 

I haven’t made them for 6 or 7 years. I used to make them. And then, one year, I was reading through old journals and realized that for the past 20 or 30 years I’d been making basically the same freaking resolutions EVERY YEAR.

I said to myself, Seriously? I called a sister and asked her about her resolutions. They were pretty much the same as mine, and, when questioned further, realized that she, too, had been making the same ones year after year.

Why?

I don’t know, so I gave it up. I know what my faults are, and I GIVE UP the urge to list them every January 1st just because everyone else is.

I urge you to do the same. Really! Don’t do it. You know you are going to be trying lose weight, because you always are. You know you are going to be trying to manage your money better, because you ALWAYS are. You know you are going to try to be a better person because you always are. So is everyone else.

Well, that’s all I have. Either you are:

1. very depressed right now, and need to get on a plane straight back to Denial. (in which case I’m sorry, enjoy your hotel)

 or:

2) you feel freed from guilt and holiday cliches. (in which case, you are welcome)

I still have a few minutes, I’m heading off to paint my toenails.