my dad died

I thought I was changed when I saw dad naked. But watching him die. That changed me. I’m grateful for the experience and also traumatized by it. After your dad dies, maybe after anyone dies, it seems like death is around every corner. It lurks for a while. Watching. Anyone else? Anyone? I find myself trying to picture my life without some of the people here in it. I thought I was braced for dad’s death, but can you really be? Maybe I was. Maybe it would be worse if I hadn’t. It was like a huge ocean wave. I was bowled over, tossed about, not breathing, but not quite drowning. I don’t know if I ever thought I would see someone die. I guess some people see it all the time. I’ve seen birth and now I’ve seen death. The way he died, little by little. A little more was him gone every day until finally the last part, his breath, and then his heart. I’ve heard that the heart is last, which makes sense, because it’s one of the first things to start at the beginning of your life. Did you know a broken heart is a real thing? It’s actually a physical malady that can happen when you lose someone you love. Your heart changes, deflates a bit. It can recover, but for a while, it’s broken. Also, now someone has died in my house. In the bedroom I first chose as ours. On my side even. How many more people will die in this house? There are 6 of us. I don’t think dad is still here. I don’t feel him anyway, but I do think he’s been visiting. I dream about him almost every night. Almost every dream he wants me to do something for him or help him with something which was a lot of our interactions in his life. He’s always wearing something different. He always looks unwell. I think I’m processing his death. Trying to understand how you can have a dad and then not have a dad. How you can possibly be the person who helped someone die. I’ve been a witness to 8 people’s births, not including mine and one person’s death. I held all their hands, rubbed all their heads, told them all I loved them. Dressed or helped dress every one. I tied my dad’s tie. I told him I loved him.