When Alex got on a school bus for the first time, 16 years ago this month,
**pause for tearful mom sniff**
I remember thinking he looked very small to be getting on a bus all by himself with a bunch of strangers to be carted all over the freaking city to spend the day with another bunch of total strangers. And he would be eating lunch there…all alone…on a bench.
With a tray full of food I didn’t make. Served by people who didn’t love him.
How could that possibly be all right?
He loved it of course, and so did the following 3 sisters.
When Daniel (my fifth) started kindergarten, I did not cry. I did a happy dance. Then, I felt guilty for not crying and cried because I was obviously a bad, calloused woman who had lost all sensitivity and was now robo-mom.
We all know what happened when Tim started school. Those were dark days.
The Twinkie Years
Now we have Nick. My baby. The cherry on the top. The reward for having 7. I really believe God saved that baby for last. He has been attending preschool, and went to kindergarten last year. On a bus. By himself.
Somehow, this year felt different.
First grade. No Nick for lunch. No Nick all day. I don’t get any funny Nicky hugs.
WAAAAA!:(
I am actually tearing up again!
I’m a freaking water works!
Yesterday, I took him myself. Met the teacher, hugged him goodbye..Nick, not the teacher…and cried. There were some aides standing nearby and one of the ladies asked if he was my first. I said, “No, my last.”
She said, “First and last. Those are the two that get ya.”
Yes, indeed.
Today, Nick wanted to ride the bus. He said, “I love that bus Maren. I can ride the bus today?”
sigh.
I put him on that bus. I waved goodbye. I cried.
Now, you are thinking, the title of this post is Mixed Feelings, and so far I’ve only expressed the sad, pitiful kind.
The happy part is that the other eating, electricity using, money sucking, ride needing, mall shopping, friend calling, permission needing, tv watching, computer using, chore avoiding, personal item stealing lights of my life all started school yesterday.
I felt a twinge when Dan left for his first day of 7th grade. He just looked so small….
As I was feeling this twinge, I saw him give his sister a shove and she punched him back.
Twinge all gone.
Oh this so perfectly describes my feelings as of late. 🙂
Two things. I dread this. All of it. It terrifies me. Talking to moms who’ve been there doesn’t seem to help. Sigh. And, speaking of “been there,” bravo to being confused for a first time mom on number 7!! You must look awesome! 🙂