Meditation. The act of becoming quiet, connecting with one’s inner self and the Universe. A chance to get grounded, balanced, and clear.
Usually.
This year, I have really embraced meditation as a form of relaxation and self-awareness. It really brings me an enormous amount of clarity, and, a blog post. I am going to help you learn how to meditate. These directions will be particularly helpful if you have any children or husbands or.
1. Find a quiet place, where you can be alone.
In my home this is nowhere, so I get up at 5-are-you-kidding-me-o’clock in the morning to be alone. The house is actually pretty peaceful until about 6am. In your home, this may be the car in your garage, the bathroom, the linen closet, or perhaps a lovely room, set aside for the purpose of meditation.
(hold on, I’m laughing and I think some diet pepsi came out of my nose….)
2. Close your eyes, but do not sleep. This may prove difficult. If you have a child under 2, and/or a cat, and you were up all night trying to persuade the wee fiend(s) to go to sleep, try to meditate when you are feeling the most alert, such as after a gigantic caffeinated beverage of some kind, or a life-threatening emergency. When your husband comes in, inform him you are NOT sleeping and you do not know where his glasses are. He will want to know what you are doing. Tell him you are thinking about dinner and if he interrupts he won’t get any. When your kids appear, feign sleep, so they will go away. Obvious, pretend snoring can help you here.
3. Prepare to meditate by taking some deep breaths. During this breathing, you should endeavor to ignore the burning smell coming from the kitchen and the way your nose whistles. Remove the cat from your face. He thinks now that you have finally sat down, it’s his turn to harass you. Inform him this is not the case.
4. After you return from the kitchen (you couldn’t resist checking on the smell, could you? Well, it was probably for the best, you can’t afford to remodel right now anyway) close your eyes again and take a few deep, cleansing, breaths.
5. Open one eye to answer the text message from your son.
6. Close your eye and advise your husband, that while it’s very nice that he thinks you look sexy while meditating, you will only FEEL sexy once you have actually finished meditating.
7. Give daughter permission and $20 bucks. Close your eyes.
8. Open one eye to see the text from your Mom. Answer this text. Do not mess with Mom. Close your eyes.
9. Perhaps meditation music would help. Spend a few minutes searching for some on YouTube. Only watch one cat video. After you and your cat and your toddler watch the funny kitty on YouTube, kick the cat and the toddler out of the room. Shut the door if possible.
10. Turn on the music and put in earphones.
11. Jump a mile into the air because your husband has just poked you to see if you are interested in helping him decide how much money he should contribute to his retirement plan at work. Take an earphone out and inform him that if he, in fact, lives to retirement age, it will only be because he didn’t interrupt you again.
12. Deep breath. Close your eyes and listen to the music. Decide you don’t love it. Open your eyes and see that your allotted meditation time is now over and if you don’t get out there, your family and cat will have turned on each other and the house and gone all Lord of the Flies on you.
See? Now, wasn’t that relaxing?
