Many of you have been wondering, albeit silently and without me knowing:
“What are these personal life rules to which Maren is always referring?”
Today is your lucky day. I have heard your silent pleas (I’m very sensitive to that sort of thing) and decided to publish, for the first time anywhere, Maren’s Top Ten Personal Life Rules, also known as Healthy Boundaries.
When I am called upon to explain a behavior, or decision, I will often refer to “the official Policy”. These are the policies put in place for my health, comfort, safety, and happiness by the legal department in my head. (More on that another time….here’s a blog post that sort of explains.)
Maren’s Life Rules/Policies aka Healthy Boundaries
1. I always try to be as fabulous as possible, as truthful as possible, and as authentic as possible.
Fabulousness, truthfulness, and authenticity are in my opinion, the basics of being a person. Fabulous is what makes people fun and interesting. Most of us are fabulous in at least one really great way. I try to daily embrace what it is about me that makes me, me. Truthfulness is a serious must! The air coming out of my mouth will be the truth or simply breath. I already all know enough about the crap in this life, be truthful. And authentic. Fakers are not fun! Posers are a problem! Real is in! Authenticity is awesome!
2. I do not buy athletic shoes.
As a practicing bum-sitter, when I am in my comfy blue chair gazing at my toes, 
seeing athletic shoes would, for me, be a soul-sucking waste of footwear. When I peep at my piggies, I wish I were admiring Jimmy Choo. Since this has yet to happen, I will, whenever possible, tuck my tootsies into that which cheers up my girlie, high-heeled, platform shoe loving soul.
3. I do not climb fences or “hop” over things.
I am not a climber. I am not a hopper. (This post explains everything)
4. I do not eat 2 different meats in the same dish with the exception of bacon, which I consider a condiment.
I love meat, and so I’m not sure why I have this rule, except that whenever I am served, or have the option to be served, a ‘mixed meat meal’, I am certain I will not be partaking. No “turducken” or “chicken cordon bleu” for me, thanks anyway.
5. I do not get up at a time that starts with 4am. (used to be 5…sigh)
5am could potentially be considered morning. 4 am is ridiculous. Sorry Hal, I think 5:40 might be my limit, Morning Miracle-wise. I hope that’s early enough to get rich and famous.
6. “Sleeping in” shall be defined as: Staying in bed no longer than one hour past the time you normally wake up with an alarm.
This is a rule to prevent abject laziness and sloth. I know what you are thinking…wait a minute, didn’t she just announce two minutes ago that she was a “practicing bum-sitter”? Well, my dear, there is a big fat difference between settling into one’s chair periodically throughout the day, usually with at least 2 kids on one’s lap, reading a story while feeding a baby, and lying about in one’s bed till all hours, accomplishing nothing. Life is out there! Get out of your bed and go live it!
7. I will not touch any food that has been, or is now, on your plate. Ever.
There is a reason we have plates. It is a culinary boundary put in place to assist in recognizing whose dinner is whose. Mine is mine. Yours is yours. I do not want to taste whatever it is you ordered. That is why I didn’t order it.
8. Do NOT touch any food on my plate. Ever.
My plate, my food. Your plate, your food. If your hand comes into my boundary, I will stab you, with the weapon I have been provided, to prevent such invasions. Touch my grub and you will be making a trip to the ER for a 3rd degree fork removal.
9. No beets. No exceptions.
Do not try to sell me on these things. I don’t care how you bake, pickle, stew, puree, roast, borscht, or use them as food coloring. They are the bane of my existence. They smell bad, taste bad and are ugly. They have a stupid name.
10. Four wheels and a comfortable seat are required on any vehicle/mode of transport I am expected to use, unless this mode of transport is a plane taking me to Hawaii.
I was blessed with beauty, talent, fashion sense, and fertility. That is where God stopped. He did not see fit to bless me with any personal sense of balance. As a result, I am beautiful, funny, well-dressed, and have a large family. I ride in cars, vans, buses, and trains.
I do not stand on one foot, roller-skate, ice skate, skateboard, rollerblade, ski, or ride bikes.
We all have those personal boundaries that make us who we are. It’s important to get to know yourself to avoid those awkward situations where your mother-in-law is contaminating your personal culinary boundary (aka my plate) with pickled beets, assuring you all the while that you will love them.
I will not.
Now, I can simply refer her, and any other well-meaning beet-pushers to Rule #9, and move on with my life.
Healthy people have healthy boundaries. That’s all I’m trying to do here. Establish perfectly normal, anti-beet and athletic shoe boundaries.
As a healthy person with healthy boundaries, I would encourage you to go get some of your own healthy boundaries. They are fun and useful. And healthy.
