How To….

I know how you have all missed my educational ‘how-to’ posts.  Not only do they inform,  I feel they also serve as a sort of warning to those of you considering the reproductive path.  You’re welcome!

On with today’s mind-numbing, er, I mean to say,  mind-enriching segment.

How To Take 10 children Under 6 On A Walk

Step 1. Reconsider.  There are lots of other worthwhile activities you could pursue, like, polishing the toilet,  shaving your legs with a potato peeler, or banging your head into a wall.

2. Question your motives.  Why would you want to take 10 children on a walk? What are you, stupid?  Or perhaps, you somehow believe the bickering that drives you insane in the house will somehow dissipate on a walk, in public, through your neighborhood,  in front of the people you attend church with.  Because children are ALWAYS more well behaved in public.

3. Plan ahead.  Before you head off on this fools errand,  make sure you send everyone to the bathroom.  This way, when you hear little voices (not the ones in your head) telling you they need to use the potty while on the walk,  you can say,  “But you JUST WENT.” Instead of,  “Crap! I forgot to send Miss Puddle-Pants to the bathroom before we left!” Also,  take your phone.  So you can do nothing.  I mean seriously,  how the heck are you supposed to use a phone on a walk with 10 KIDS?

4. Pick a familiar route. There are two reasons for this.  First, in case of disaster,  you are in a familiar area.  I don’t know how this is going to help you in a disaster, actually.  Second,  maximum embarrassment.  When disaster strikes,  the people who know you best can witness the event, and mock you later. Also,  someone who’s hands are not full of 10 kids could call 911. Or the news. Whatever.

5. Have everyone pick a buddy and hold hands.  This is so they will have someone to shove and or smack when they get bored. You hold the troublemaker’s hand.  Then,  when a sleeper cell of naughtiness erupts, you can let go of Trouble who then runs away.  This is good exercise,  and adds to the mocking fun discussed earlier.

6. Maintain a pace all the children are comfortable with. Children are most comfortable when they are running into each other,  stepping on your heels and ramming their noggins into your rear end.

7. Plan for a reasonable distance.  If you are planning to abandon them in the woods,  you will need to plan for a very long walk.  And potential jail time.  If you are thinking you want to be back for lunch,  your walk will be shorter. Be aware that any distance children are forced to travel without a vehicle or TV will be too long.

8. Lower your walk standards.  Perhaps you have found walking relaxing,  or a good time to meditate, or good exercise.  Maybe you enjoy the sights and sounds of nature.  Kiss these things goodbye. Expect barking (the kids, not dogs), screaming,  tattling, whining,  sirens (the kids, and/or police), puddle splashing,  meandering, and more question asking than you thought their brains were capable of.  For example, on our last walk, one inquisitive young mind decided to ask the SAME question about every other house. “Is this my house? Is this my house? Is THIS my house? Is this MY house? Is this my HOUSE?” What fun!

9. Have a treat waiting at home.  For you.  Not them. But only if you bring them all home, alive.                                                     .

10. Brag about your accomplishment to people who didn’t see the actual walk. (Oh, yes,  i take children for walks all the time) When you meet people who did, pretend it wasn’t you. ( who me? On a walk? With children? That doesn’t sound like me….)

To end, I would like to leave you with one last inspirational quote:

“To walk is human, to sit, divine.”