How to….

We continue our ‘how to’ series with a lesson on

How to Take A Bubble Bath

It has come to my attention that I may have been doing this wrong my entire life. I have received some direction in this matter and feel the need to pass on these instructions.

First, I have to say, I’ve never liked bubble baths. But, in light of the astonishing new information I’ve received, I believe a bath may become a more enjoyable experience in the future.

1. Bubbles are a must.
(this was my first mistake. I’ve been thinking this is optional. It is not.)

Bubbles hide things. Things you don’t want to see. Things usually covered by supportive and modest clothing.

Use bubbles.

2. Lock the door.

(I’ve been leaving the door unlocked, in case someone needs me. Guess what? They freaking ALWAYS need me. sheesh!)

Locking the door is an act of love, for yourself and your family. It ensures that not only will you get a nice, quite, visit-free bath, but that your family will remain alive while you do so.

Lock the door.

3. Do not take your phone in the bathroom,

unless it is an mp3 or other music playing device.  If it is a music player, listen the the real stuff you love…not the crap you’re supposed to love.

(if you can believe it, I did this wrong too. I was thinking I should take this time to enjoy classical music, or hymns. Now, don’t get me wrong, I like those genres fine…but LOVE them? hmmmm, not so much. Know what I love?? Metal. And pop. Maroon 5, Bon Jovi, Andy Grammar, Michael Buble, Van Halen, George Michael, Donney Osmond, Guns n Roses, LMFAO)

Do not answer texts addressed to Mom, Honey, or Mrs. They will suck the fun out of your bath.

Music in. Phone calls out.

4. Treats.

I have not tried this, but I hear that it can enrich the bath experience tremendously to take in a favorite cookie, ice cream, or candy. Of course we don’t want our kids to see this, I mean, we are forever trying to get them to act like civilized people and eat in the freaking kitchen already! But, for us women, we could use a little sumpin-sumpin now and again. Am I right?

Treats.

5. Reading material.

I have tried this, but once you’ve unlocked the door, skipped the bubbles, and answered the phone, reading is sort of a moot point. The person/people I received the directions from suggested strongly the taking in of a paperback (fun, not functional) or magazine. No Kindles. You know you’ll drop it in and it will die and then you will freak out and the relaxing bubble bath will again have become a moot point….. I recommend a book you would never let your kids see you reading that maybe you bought off the clearance rack at the grocery store, or the shelves at the thrift store. Or maybe that gossip magazine you’ve been dying to read with that article about that star who did that shocking thing…..

Trashy reading.

Ok, ladies. There you have it. Let’s give it our best shot. Let me know how it goes. If I don’t answer you right away,

I’m in the bath.