Gang Activities

I never thought it would happen to me, but I’ve been the victim of gang violence. Sure they were only 18 months old, and ok, so there were no guns…but there has been blood, a missing toenail, crying, and lots of gang related shenanigans.

These kids are wearing a ‘uniform’. You can tell if you look closely, each one of them is wearing a white “onesie”…a sort of underwear adopted by this particular gang. They also wear a “diaper”, although, by the time you see the “diaper” it is probably too late for you. The “diaper” is disguised as a sort of protective undergarment, but if you have ever been exposed to it’s contents, you know it to be the most deadly of the homemade “dirty bombs”.  You will never be able to erase the images of the “diaper’s” devastation, and will feel dread (PTSD?) every time a “diaper” is mentioned in your presence. Another clue you are dealing with one of their members is the “binkie”,  a plastic device they hold in their mouths for some unknown reason. DO NOT REMOVE the “binkie”. You will hear sounds no human should be exposed to. Trust me.

They have a gang sign. When they meet someone, they insert one finger into a nostril. You won’t want to do this, and so will most likely be victimized by gang retaliation, including the wiping of the contents of the nostril onto your shirt.  Sometimes, these ruffians will wipe their noses directly onto you. I believe it is a graffiti of sorts, they are marking their neighborhood.

We call them the Baby Gang. They work cooperatively, using their good looks, and baby-like faces to confuse and destroy.  Just yesterday, one of them cried (fake of course) plaintively and held up their chubby arms to me. Being a normal adult, I fell for the act and tried to cuddle the twerp. Meanwhile, her compadres were rampaging through Kleenex boxes, emptying, and then shredding the contents. I have come to understand that this is revenge for the thorough nose wiping I gave a respected member of the gang earlier that day.

Similar incidents were reported involving wipes, after another unsuspecting citizen changed a “diaper”, and toilet paper. The reason for the tp-ing is unknown. This gang does not generally have access to this area, although that in itself may be a motive…

They like to play head games, too. They will beg to be fed, only to reject every kind of treat and snack placed before them, contemptuously swiping the proffered food onto the floor and drizzling the beverage into their hair. Don’t turn your back on one of them eating…you could be wounded in a ‘raisin-ing’, where raisins are fired mercilessly at your head  and chest.

One of their favorite torture games is “I’m so tired”, where they all whine, and cry and act like they need naps in unison,  cunningly pretending to enjoy your ministrations such the changing of the “diaper”, and dispensing of “binkies”. They compliantly allow you to place them in cribs, and wave happily as you leave the room. You will be lulled into a false sense of security, erroneously believing you are about to safely enjoy a nice quiet afternoon. After the door shuts, the Baby will REMOVE IT’S OWN “binkie” and the hideous noises resulting will curdle your  blood and leave you begging for mercy.

A final word of warning regarding this insidious group.

I’m kidding.

I say this freely. There is NO gang of babies currently watching me suspiciously, as I type (yes, there is).  They are not using their cute wiles (yes, they are) to discover my words of warning. I’ve told them I’m looking at pictures of kittens. (They aren’t buying it).

I’ll hold out as long as I can, I mean, hello, I’m twice their size! They won’t take me alive! I will live to fight another….